Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize