i just sent this text using only my big toe
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
