I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
