he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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