don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
