The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
