where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
