My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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