The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize