i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
