i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Randomize
