Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Duck Duck Cougar?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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