it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
