Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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