Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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