I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
