I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
