I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
