I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
