Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
