the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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