My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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