Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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