I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
