jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you told grandpa to call you daddy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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