so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So vagazzling was a success
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
