Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
