I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
