Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The uberlube is also flammable
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
there is glitter all over my balls
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
