All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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