the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
