I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
