thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
