today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
