Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
