he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
