I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
