Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
