This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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