I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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