She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
