Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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