i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
