I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize