He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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