Heybabeimwearingurpanties
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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