FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
