we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
