I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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