I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
