I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
