I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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