don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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