I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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