He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize