Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize