dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize