I bet he comes in French.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I need to stop coming to work sober
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
