drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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