I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm getting married
To pizza
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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