will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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